20 November 2005

Shelli's question revisited

So Shelli asked this question on her blog a couple days ago, and I asked it on my blog a few months ago (fyi: I received more comments on this post than any other post, EVER--albeit most of the comments were between my sister Ellen and our friend Melissa about the ABBA CD that Ellen had stolen). So I pose this question yet again (the only thing changed is that now we've been married over a year):

So here’s the question of the day (and maybe this will inspire some comments): how do you know it’s the right time to start trying to have children? Notice I do not say “the right time to get pregnant”. I work in the adoption field. I know that when you start trying and when a baby shows up are often two VERY different times. It boggles my mind when women think they can choose the month they want their baby born in…of course, some fertile myrtles can.

My husband and I have been married for almost a year, and I’m constantly haunted (as most women in America are) by the TIME article a few years ago with the depressing nose-dive fertility/age chart. We’re financially stable, healthy, love kids, blah, blah, blah. And then there’s the cons—only time in our life to be carefree, big chunk of disposable income, time away from each other, blah, blah, blah. So I guess my question is, “how do you know when the scales have tipped?” Is it an earth-shattering moment? A quiet peace? Of course, there’s the couples that have oopsies and God answers the question for them. And then, there are the delusional/stupid on pregnancy boards: “my fiancĂ© and I have started trying…does anyone know of a good empire waist wedding dress company?”

And granted, I am surrounded ALL THE TIME by babies and baby-related topics. Tends to color my thinking light pink and baby blue, but I don't consider myself to be baby crazy. So just curious…how did you know?


melissa said...

I always said two years, without having a darn thing to base that on. Now that I am married, I still say two years minimum and if you can get away with more, five years is even better. Mind you, there's no way I'm waiting 5 years. I'm old! And my husband's older!!!

M&Co. said...

My husband and I had been married for four and a half years when we adopted our first child. That was, of course, after trying to have a baby and two failed adoptions under our belt. WE had a nice house and were pretty comfortable in our lives and in our marriage. I think that's what's important.

Superchikk said...

When we got married, we were on the four-year plan. We've been married seven years this past week, and still no kids. God just never gave us the peace that it was time for us yet. Of course, a lot of that had to do with financial issues, etc. but you know what I mean.

I think you just have to pray about it and when that peace comes, you have to say "to heck" with worrying about how much money you have, etc. If God gives you a peace about taking that step, I believe that He will provide for you to do it.

Christine said...

I refused to get married until I was prepared to have children. I come from a long line of Fertile Myrtle's, and surprise pregnancies were not uncommon.

So, in saying that, my husband and I also discussed that we might wait about two years before intentionally trying. We didn't even wait that long. We had a long courtship, fabulous premarital counseling and we worked our butts off on our relationship. We wanted children. We were not making a ton of money, but we were able to support a baby.

We thought it would be ideal to have a baby in the fall (due to my husband's work schedule). We used the word "ideal" loosely ... which is a good thing. We were pregnant two weeks after the "trying" started. Sadly, we lost that baby the following month.

Started trying again right after that ... two weeks later I was pregnant. Had a JANUARY baby! ha!

Seven months later, we're not even trying (geez, the baby was colicky - sex was a luxury). I realize I've been in denial for a month that I'm pregnant. This one was a MAY baby! So much for the fall!

This is followed by a vasectomy with the intention of adopting several years down the road (something we always planned on doing). We planned to adopt an older sibling group so that all of our children would be close in age.

Long story short, we adopted a seven month old ... who had a MARCH birthday! All of our birthdays land from January to June. Pretty funny.

So, back to the question (sorry - I was wandering): God is still in the surprise business. You should be ready from the get-go. Then, when their ARE no surprises, you have already thought things through and you have a clear head about it. You'll have the worry part out of the way and can base your decision on pure desire!