lead of love

Looking back at the road so far
The journey's left its share of scars
Mostly from leaving the narrow and straight

Looking back it is clear to me
That a man is more than the sum of his deeds
And how You've made good of this mess I've made
Is a profound mystery

Looking back You know You had to bring me through
All that I was so afraid of
Though I questioned the sky, now I see why
Had to walk the rocks to see the mountain view
Looking back I see the lead of love

Looking back I can finally see (I'd rather have wisdom)
How failures bring humility (than be)
Brings me to my knees (a comfortable fool)
Helps me see my need for Thee


It's interesting how different songs speak to me at different times of my life. For awhile there, it was Johnny Cash's "It Ain't Me, Babe" when I was super-stressed with boundary-pushing areas of my life. There have been times when it's been "Sometimes by Step" by Rich Mullins. Right now, it's Caedmon Call's "Lead of Love".

I feel like I've spent a considerable amount of time walking the rocks of this infertility, and let me preface all this by saying, no, I am not pregnant. For a long time, I thought that pregnancy would be the mountain view or perhaps having a child through adoption. But no. The mountain view is just resting in the knowledge that God loves me and He's been walking on the rocks right beside me. He knows the desire in my heart for a child. He put it there. How and when and if He chooses to fulfill that desire is completely, utterly, and totally out of my hands. The knowledge of that fact is a gift. A difficult gift to receive, but a gift nonetheless.