Red Dots of Shame

Bill and I are in the process of selling our house, and the home inspection was last week. When I got home, there were red dots all over the place where things have gone slightly awry (windows that are stuck, closet doors that don't have knobs, etc.) I feel as if these people are judging us, and they've never even seen our faces. Sigh.

Not much else going on here. Bill and I are getting over the flu and getting ready to run (ha...or walk embarassingly slow in my case) the Race for the Cure.

For those of you who have been following my blog, still no baby. Not even so much as a hint of a second line. When I worked for an adoption agency, I had one client say to me (who had experienced unexplained infertility for several years) that the first year is the worst, and then it just kind of becomes a nagging, background, white-noise part of your life. Which is somewhat true for me. I think a lot less about it. I've stopped avoiding certain things in the "two week wait" after I've ovulated and before I can test (not that I was ever chasing raw oyster shots down with a dose of meth, but I do enjoy my occasional Coca-Cola). I've accepted that I will never have a surprise "oopsie". It doesn't even hurt as much anymore when I hear about other people's pregnancies. But I do think that every infertile/subfertile woman has to go through a little bout of grief each month. And for each woman, I think that there are one or two things that she is especially saddened to miss out on. For me, it's (a) how I would tell Bill that I'm pregnant and (b) shopping for the perfect diaper bag. (If you know me, you know about my slight obsession with purses, and what is a diaper bag if not the ultimate purse?) So anyway, no baby yet.

But through all the stressors in my life right now (house, flu, peeing on ovulation predictor sticks), the verse I'm clinging to remains Phil. 4:6-7 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."