lead of love

Looking back at the road so far
The journey's left its share of scars
Mostly from leaving the narrow and straight

Looking back it is clear to me
That a man is more than the sum of his deeds
And how You've made good of this mess I've made
Is a profound mystery

Looking back You know You had to bring me through
All that I was so afraid of
Though I questioned the sky, now I see why
Had to walk the rocks to see the mountain view
Looking back I see the lead of love

Looking back I can finally see (I'd rather have wisdom)
How failures bring humility (than be)
Brings me to my knees (a comfortable fool)
Helps me see my need for Thee


It's interesting how different songs speak to me at different times of my life. For awhile there, it was Johnny Cash's "It Ain't Me, Babe" when I was super-stressed with boundary-pushing areas of my life. There have been times when it's been "Sometimes by Step" by Rich Mullins. Right now, it's Caedmon Call's "Lead of Love".

I feel like I've spent a considerable amount of time walking the rocks of this infertility, and let me preface all this by saying, no, I am not pregnant. For a long time, I thought that pregnancy would be the mountain view or perhaps having a child through adoption. But no. The mountain view is just resting in the knowledge that God loves me and He's been walking on the rocks right beside me. He knows the desire in my heart for a child. He put it there. How and when and if He chooses to fulfill that desire is completely, utterly, and totally out of my hands. The knowledge of that fact is a gift. A difficult gift to receive, but a gift nonetheless.

Harry Potter

Well, I am finished with the final Harry Potter book. Don't worry...I'm not going to give away any spoilers.

I must say that it ended as it should have and the parts I cried in were not the parts I expected to cry in, but I must say, reading that final page, I was crying more for myself than anyone. Harry Potter reawakened my childhood imagination, and that is an amazing gift to be given. I started reading the books right before the first movie came out, right after Goblet of Fire (book 4 for you muggles out there). Even at the time, I remember that I was so very sad that the journey was already over halfway complete.

During college, one of my friends was reading Chamber of Secrets (book 2), and it was the first time I had seen an adult read the books. I asked her if it was a good children's book, and she looked at me with the most serious expression I had ever seen on her face and said, "These are my favorite books. Not children's books. Books." She's a surgeon now.

During grad school (before I started reading the books), I worked at Steinmart...or the Stein as I like to love/hatingly refer to it...in the children's, gifts, and linens sections (I know...those have so much in common with each other). Anyway, the Christmas of 2000, we got flooded with kitschy Harry Potter items. Stickers. Figurines. Owls. Wands. Glasses. Gringotts piggy banks. Well, one of the items was the Mirror of Erised, and without even having read the books, I just fell in love with this weird little item. It was just a mirror with a gawdy gold surround, but it was actually well-made, and for some reason, I just really liked it. I always regretted not purchasing that mirror.

Then, later, after Ellen had talked me into reading the books and I finished kicking myself for not starting them sooner, I met this boy named Bill. He had seen the movies but not read the books, and I told him that, no, he must read those books. He went out that night and bought them. And now he lets me hog the covers and he even let me hog the final HP book (but I've been sworn to utter secrecy until he finishes it as well).

These are just a few of the many good Harry Potter memories along the way. Thanks, JK.

How much is that doggy in the window...

...the (extremely untrustworthy) one that chewed a hole in our (rented!) carpet??

And he also has a waggily tail.

Goodbye to my Dear Friend

God has called a beautiful soul home to be with Him. My friend Carrie fought a valiant, brave fight against pancreatic cancer for the last two years, and God is laying His healing hands on her in Heaven. I will miss her so very much.

Please pray for her family--Gary, Nathan, Andrew, and Amy.